Mountains…

chord

I like to think I started 2017, on the wrong note, I had played the wrong chords and what sounded in my ears were songs with no Rhythm

I sang these songs daily to myself in my closet. I thought they were hit songs forgetting I was somewhat tone deaf

I danced to these songs, day and night not realizing I was dancing off key to songs played on the wrong chords.

 

So I realized a lot of people are in a hurry to get to 2018, like bags packed and already heading there and am like you guys should chill now, haba? Anyway I thought about why I wasn’t so much in a hurry and I couldn’t blame them. They had gotten all they needed from 2017, like there was no more space for 2017 goodies to fit in their bags they were content or so I would like to think.

I sure am glad a lot of people had a good year, despite the recession and all the drama that comes with living in Nigeria but if I am to be honest, I am in no hurry to meet 2018, she should just chill first, I am still waiting on 2017.

This year has been the most exhausting year ever, in my faith life, love life, career, mehn I worked crazily this year, sometimes I literally felt my head would just explode already.

2017 was so much, I had specifically asked God for two things this year and in December they both seemed to happen and I thought okay I can’t keep calm, maybe this could make up for the year I had. Hnmmmm? The first came and stayed but the second crumbled before it even began luckily I can’t swear to save my life so I settled for a big OOOH SNAP!!!!!!. I thought I was finally done for, like I was gonna die.

The other testimony and all God had taught me flew out of the window,  and i thought to my self, “just close to the end of the year?  haba God na,,  I know you love me so, but this doesn’t make sense.

That was the last I spoke to Him, I had done that all my born again life but it suddenly felt like I was saying or doing the wrong things..So I choose to shut up.

The funny part of it all is how we tend to magnify a tiny bit of our life or one little problem, or How we tend to make them look so big and important that they over shadow every beautiful, important thing God has done. Even God will struggling to be seen, I had made the biggest mountain out of the smallest mole hill and if I do not put a stop to it fast, it will crush me totally.

mountains.4

So even as I am in bed writing, struggling with my thoughts and emotions and digging through the mountain to find my way I realize the only thing that never fails, that we don’t have to assume about, that we can rely on is God’s love. So if I/we have nothing to be thankful for (of which I so do) we can be thankful for the one constant true thing we can always have which is God’s undying love for us.

mountains

So guys, I have a very small smile on my lips, and here is what I am thankful for. What are you thankful for?

  • Thanks to those who loved me, it made my heart stronger
  • Thanks to those who cared, made me feel priceless
  • Thanks to those who caused pain, made me realize I wouldn’t die
  • Thanks to those who made me smile, made my little dimple grow deeper
  • Thanks to those who made me laugh, brought joy to my eyes and heart
  • Thanks to those who where patient, made me appreciate you more
  • Thanks to those who shared, it  inspired me to give even more
  • Thanks to those who walked with me, I never felt alone
  • Thanks to those who fought by me, gave me immeasurable strength
  • Most especially, thanks to those who prayed for me, spoke my heart to God on my behalf when I lost my voice
  • You made me survive 2017, one of the most challenging year ever but
  • Thank God He put you in my path to teach me.
  • I hope to be all this to you too, come 2018 (I hope not to cause pain though)
  • Happy New year…I love every one of you
  • Ps: let God’s Beauty fade every ugliness.

…Stay Beautiful Always,,

 

 

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Your words are powerful

Watch it, feel it and see it,

See it come to life, and become flesh, see it full fill its one true goal

To build or destroy…

 

 

 

Beauty is not only found in colorful flowers, or cloudless skies or blue oceans, beauty is found mostly in the scars we try so hard to hide.

Wear your scars like medals, show case them like trophies and exhibit them like priceless artifacts

Be proud, be Bold,

..Be beautiful always

                                              

broken

i was done with self hate, it wasn’t helping my state,gates flew open, my faith broken, i couldn’t make a move.

 

NOT AN OPTION!

 

depression3

 

Mother wailing, rolling, tears running.

Her cries and screams feel the air of a Sunday morning.

Her laments, landing on the ears of passer-byes and those roaming.

Stopping in their tracks, feet suddenly failing.

 

Father stands by; body leaned against the muddy house.

A disguise to stop his knees from failing.

Head on a rhythm left right, left right, his eyes seemed faulty.

As tears dropped, he couldn’t hold them from running.

 

Sisters hugging sisters, receiving consolation from greeters.

As the pain lashed at their hearts, no mercy, it wasn’t sparing.

Even as they rolled on the dusty red sand like a rolling pin on flour dough.

Hoping if they cried, if they cried just a little harder there would be a reversal.

 

Neighbors’ scattered about, saddened faces, whispering lips, lashing tongues

Sympathetic gazes, disapproving nods.

This taboo was one selfish.

This taboo was one causing this pain.

The bright Sunday morning, suddenly turning grey, from mourning.

 

Suicide! Suicide!! Was the silent echo that traveled from lips to the ears of busybodies.

James had taken his life. Letting go of his training to be a diver.

He was no longer going to travel the world all over.

Letting his sisters get drunk with pain, causing them to have a hangover.

 

His helpless soul had beckoned for help.

Even as depression drew so close, taking him to hell.

Deliverance they said was the key, a demon was stuck within.

So 7days, 7 nights, sleeping on hardened, wooden benches.

He played the part, a demon they said was in him.

 

The demon must have come with friends after deliverance.

As he fell harder into depression’s blackness.

Depression intrigued him, mysterious and cool he thought.

So they would lie in bed day and night, embraced in the darkness.

They were suited for each other he could tell, so he got lost a little more in her tale.

depression

 

He wasn’t reaching for help any more, as he held on to her seemingly perfect hands.

She would constantly whisper “you are too good to be here”

Following her leading, He lay with her and eventually laid his life to be with her.

She was his escape route, she was his option.

 

So on that cold Sunday morning.

He woke to the sweet sensation of her caress.

As she whispered “it is time”

He was ready! This was the way out he had sought.

As he took his diving rope, heading to end his life he thought.

 

Out in the bush, he set the rope to end his life.

He could see her smile sweetly at him.

Making him eager to put his soul to rest.

He would finally be with her forever, he was certain.

 

Drawing his last breath, darkness surrounding.

He could feel the darkness caving in all over.

As the grip of pain clutched deep into his neck.

Hurried familiar footsteps, he heard from a distance.

curious; he tried to keep his eyes from going to sleep.

And then he saw them, the  pain, tears on their faces trying to reach out.

 

He struggled, called out to depression for a do over.

She had moved on to her next pun for fun.

He tried to reach out to them as painful tears fell on cheeks as cold as death

But it was too late.

This shouldn’t have been the plan, shouldn’t have been an option, his hands couldn’t reach the rope strangling all his hope.

It was all dark now, he had lost his life to her who lied

He had gone to a place, dark and empty.

He had committed suicide.

depression 2

 

Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed.

one thing i have gotten to realize is societies blindness to the high level of suicide happening every single day. we have failed to realize that depression is a sickness probably as bad as cancer or Aids but because it is not a sickness of the body, something we cant see, we just can’t be bothered.

Daily teenagers, adults even children are finding it had to cope or deal with certain issues that affect them.

Recently i was watching a video and it talked about illness we never truly see, the illness that affects our minds. the video talked about the fact that in schools we are taught of how bullying is wrong and how people should always stand against bullying and it stated further that what schools fail to teach or enlighten us on is the effect of such bullying or other emotional psychological or physical pressure which result in depression, bitterness, resentment etc.

Our teachers, parents and those we look up to constantly ignore this very crucial part of existence. kids are not taught what depression is, how to avoid it or deal with it. hence the incessant rise in those living in depression which in most cases lead to ending of their lives.

In Nigeria, there is a growing number of suicide among Nigerians which has become somewhat worrisome to the extent that psychiatrists and other physicians have called for high index of suspicion for signs and symptoms of depression among their patients.  In a Vanguard publication published May 30th, 2017  it reveals that during a lifetime about 3.0 per cent of Nigerians will have thoughts about ending their lives, while some will plan on how to kill themselves and actually carry out an attempt to kill themselves.
According to the World Health Organization, WHO, there are 322 million people living with depression in the world. In the WHO suicide ranking, Nigeria, with 15.1 suicides per 100,000 population per year, is ranked the 30th most suicide-prone out of 183 nations in the world.
Not to bore you with so much details and statistics, i urge you to be a bit more sensitive to people’s emotions. if you sense some one is depressed, try to help or get help for the person. Let us all raise our voices informing every one that suicide is never ever an option. Also remember that we are not called to live get married and get rich these are just extras, our main purpose is to live for Christ by staying true and being His hand in the lives of others.
….Remember to Stay Beautiful Always…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SHHH..IT WON’T HURT

abuse

she was just seven years old

and she could already feel the cold hands of pain

innocence snatched at an early age, she could go insane

even as she stared blankly at the ground not really seeing

it was glaring what he did but pain and shame kept her from saying

 

a lanky average height creepy creep

came along and stole her innocence..its effect so deep

he would come around to water the garden and guard the gates

in a slow rhythmic manner, almost as though he had a compulsive disorder

she could feel his gaze on her, each time she came out to play

it would send shivers down her spine

and she would run along anytime she sensed him close.

abuse2

 

how could he, He was meant to watch after her

but then he touched her, and touched her some more

shhhh, he wisperd in those voice as cold as ice

shhhhh, i wont hurt you if you stay silent

it was her first sexual encounter and she was just seven

 

her mind hurt, screamed, she knew it was wrong but she was pinned to the wall

his hands caressing her little body, up and down her little thighs made her skin crawl

she tried to escape, but he wouldn’t let go

struggling to get free even as his hands pierced through her skin pinning her down.

 

her little blue flowery dress raised up, as he performed oral sex on the 7year old

her innocence he took with out a second thought.

and then a second time it happened, she had been careless in her movement

as she felt the all too familiar shivers she felt when he was lurking around

never suspecting she wasn’t alone until too late

she turned and saw the knowing smile on his creepy lip, she hated

…this time he made her give him a hand job

as he wisperd shhhh, it wont hurt

but it did hurt, more of the mental than the physical

as her mind screamed, shoving and kicking which only infuriated him.

when he was done, he let her run away in pain.

 

she felt used in the wrong way, like discarded rags

her heart was crushed as she couldn’t understand why

she was unaware that the seed he planted had taken root,

a seed of bitterness, anger and self hate

she was so hung up on it, not being able to forgive

she withdrew just to get less attention, she must have done something wrong to get this aggression

and so they would call her out and laugh at her withdrawal but never really asking why

she stood there quietly, all the while screaming in her heart, for them to see she was hurting but they never did.

 

so she got hung up on trying to figure out why

screaming at God, saying he was the cause

why else would He let such happen to a seven year old

he sure was the meanest

locking it at the back of her mind, not fully healing

an open wound covered with plaster, still bleeding

 

and then it resurfaced, hurt as fresh as ever, when she heard of anther’s innocence taken

ooh God! this pain yet again she screamed, clawing at her skin to stop the pain

as she finally told God to take the pain

and then HE let her see it, why it had happened, why to her

it wasn’t what she did or how she acted or her fault, it was the creep’s

and then His light showed her a way out

letting her see she could get past it

just as He was bruised, for her to heal through it

she could see the beauty now, in her scares

to help those victims through their hurt

she was beautiful and loved regardless

overcoming the lies that kept her in hate.

 

This is to every boy, or girl, who has had their innocence taken, who has been defenseless, to every  man or women who has had life knock them senseless, who has had the devil feed them with lies, has had life treat them with contempt. This is to every silent cry in the middle of the night, to every chocked cry for help. Christ is the one that makes you feel better and gives you peace, let Him in to set you free.

just let HIM in to love and soothe you like it was meant to always be.

Stay Beautiful Always….

 

 

 

 

 

HE WAS HONEST..AT LEAST I THINK HE WAS…

HEARTBEAT

we met on a cold dark night, crowded but there he was

we got along instantly and so it was

a friendship i prayed for, nothing else seemed to matter

At least he made me forget it all…

 

3days and a night and that was all we needed

endless walks in the cold dark night never seemed to matter

talking all through the night. we could be at it forever

time seemed to stop, but its stillness wasn’t enough.

 

 

we met on a cold dark night, two hearts as cold as winter

two hearts scarred, with nothing to hope for

two hearts seeking solace in the comfort of each other’s  embrace

two hearts seeking true friendship

 

we met on a cold dark night and there he was..grinning, as i blushed at his gap tooth

he warned stay back! my heart beats for another

and there i was already lost in the fantasy, ears deaf

he offered true friendship on the table and i laid my heart for the feast

 

we met on a cold dark night, crowded but there he was

he hurt me bad, like i never have before

i betrayed our friendship by forgetting my heart on the table

he couldn’t take mine and hand over his

he had warned, his heart beats for another

 

he tried to stay true but i couldn’t stay put

i needed to betray this friendship

for i got lost, stuck in this fantasy, he sure was the best i ever experienced

the way he treated me and the way i saw myself in his crazy fun eyes, held me spell bound

so i let heart take over reason

i let emptiness take over friendship

 

i left on a cold dark night, i couldn’t breath and he couldn’t help either

he couldn’t help me breath, offer what i needed or stop the pain that seemed to cut through my heart

so i took my bags and headed out

 

he stretched out his hand to help through it

we both knew i needed time off this true friendship

i couldn’t love and be friends with him

his heart beats for another, it would kill me slowly but surely

so with tears and pain, i told him so long at least for now

 

i miss him, i don’t know if he misses me too

i love him, never loved another like this too

but…., his heart beats for another

i don’t hate him, i never will. i have gotten to understand

there shall be an even greater love

 

he said just stay, this is crazy but we both know my heart cant beat for two

i feel cold just like the cold night we met

i do hope we get our friendship back soon

a greater love needs to find me warm again

so i am here, i stayed away but not for long, but i have walked away, walls over my emotions.

so, we met on a cold dark night and time seemed to stop for me at leastHEARTBEAT

one thing i am certain of…He was honest..at least i think he was

 

 

 

 

A LETTER TO LIE

LIES

Dear lie…

I thought to check on you today

To boast in your face, of how you lost the relay

To showcase my beauty, your lies sort to delay

……so,

I chose to tell you today that I am doing okay

NO SCRAP THAT!

I chose to tell you today that I am doing great

You tried your best but it wasn’t enough for the test

I didn’t jump down the building

I didn’t slit my wrist to keep bleeding

I didn’t do as you pleased to get me kneeling

 

Dear Lie….,

I thought to check on you today

To parade myself in your face, letting you see my Grace

To see you turn red in rage, your defeat making you outraged.

So, no more struggling to embrace those lies you sold so cheap

No more letting you put my essence to sleep

No more weeping from pain your lies let in to cause me shame

NO More! No  more of your Lies..

 

You would wake me up, wake me up, in the middle of the night

Ungodly hours when men were praying or snoring into the night.

You would sneak into my thoughts and grin as you whispered your lies to my heart.

You would feed me with illusions of the truth making me believe they were true.

 

Dear lie..,

I thought to write you today.

To tell you, you failed.

Your pressures all in vain.

Your efforts down the drain.

I fought through all the pain.

Not letting you take the gain.

 LIE4

How could you think to manipulate the one HE breathed to life?

The one HE saved with His Life

And loved with His Heart

Dear, dear Lie, you have failed to fulfill your lie

 

I smile in satisfaction as I see you scurry into the corner, wearing your defeat like a cloak to cover your tiny little frame.

With a Smirk on my lips I see you run, tails between your legs fleeing in utter disbelief caught in your game.

 

Dear lie…,

I write you today, to let you know they were never the truth…just silly old illusions

Your ploy too old to mislead.

As you see, the truth is out!

It came like a blazing light upon my heart making the darkness of lie fizzle out

As I write you, a knowing smile on my face, I know you see what I see too. The Truth!

LIES2

SECRET TEARS…

Tears

The secret tears flows down effortlessly

Running down my cheeks like heavy rain drops seamlessly

Its drops though warm an evidence of the pain within for long

I wonder and ponder as the tears flow down uncontrollable

You see I come from a place and time where tears are weakness

Don’t let them see your tears! They all scream in their meanness

Even as my hands pressed against my chest supporting my heart from bursting through my vest, looking up for one to see my tears

But they just walk by, too engrossed not caring if I die

He would say, tears are evidence of weakness making you look lily-livered, Lily livered he would say.

And she would say, tears’ shut them down! No one really cares! Shut them down!

So hands over my face, heart feeling ablaze, I hide my wiping eyes filled with tears that would gush out like a heavy down pour.

 

I come from a place and time where we hide our tears, while masking our pain with well plastered smiles that never reaches our eyes

tears3

We have been told, suck it up! Just keep silent

Don’t nag, don’t snag we all have our troubles

So the mother who is unable to feed her kids cries out, cries out, the world not caring if they fade out

And in the dark of the cold harmattan night her plights too heavy for her might as the tears surge out like an Ebola break out

Contaminating her cheeks with its virus, her clothes soaked! soaked, each drop telling the stories of her heart hoping no one sees her plight..Not to be tagged spineless

 

The father working six to nine, he works six to nine, even all through the night, head bows down in pain, Kids thrown out of school, hunger pangs a reminder of their skeletal frame.

Overwhelmed he exclaims in anguish as he falls down, knees grazing the ground, he has no clue, not knowing what to do

So his eyes  burn from the hot tears running  a marathon down his cheeks, covering his face hoping no one sees…spineless bone they would say.

 

Jane is 18 eager to dream the dreams and live the life

A mistake sends her world crumbling, gasping for breath as the tears gather ready to burst out,

Eyes follow her like a creepy stalker as she walks down the isle of the supermarket…while her heart screams help!!! Help!! Help!

Denial and accusing fingers fly in the air as father of the baby Denys he wants no heirs

She weeps in her closet, staring at her Protruded abdomen that men now scorn a reminder of the pain that has come

…head held high they shouldn’t see her tears…they would call her Jane the spineless

 

I come from a place and time where we hide our tears, we mask our pain to avoid disdain

so guess what! We have learnt to bury our faces in our pillows soaking its softness with our wet cheeks making the pillows damp and hollow

We have learnt to drive in the moonless night letting the tears have its way, alone in the darkness

We have learnt to walk in the darkness of the badly lit streets, even as we sit alone with our thoughts…letting them flow freely…but secretly

So I beg you today, that there might be no more delay , so let these words echo in our hearts, reminding us to help someone always..

 

 

Stay Beautiful Always…….

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