SECRET TEARS…

Tears

The secret tears flows down effortlessly

Running down my cheeks like heavy rain drops seamlessly

Its drops though warm an evidence of the pain within for long

I wonder and ponder as the tears flow down uncontrollable

You see I come from a place and time where tears are weakness

Don’t let them see your tears! They all scream in their meanness

Even as my hands pressed against my chest supporting my heart from bursting through my vest, looking up for one to see my tears

But they just walk by, too engrossed not caring if I die

He would say, tears are evidence of weakness making you look lily-livered, Lily livered he would say.

And she would say, tears’ shut them down! No one really cares! Shut them down!

So hands over my face, heart feeling ablaze, I hide my wiping eyes filled with tears that would gush out like a heavy down pour.

 

I come from a place and time where we hide our tears, while masking our pain with well plastered smiles that never reaches our eyes

tears3

We have been told, suck it up! Just keep silent

Don’t nag, don’t snag we all have our troubles

So the mother who is unable to feed her kids cries out, cries out, the world not caring if they fade out

And in the dark of the cold harmattan night her plights too heavy for her might as the tears surge out like an Ebola break out

Contaminating her cheeks with its virus, her clothes soaked! soaked, each drop telling the stories of her heart hoping no one sees her plight..Not to be tagged spineless

 

The father working six to nine, he works six to nine, even all through the night, head bows down in pain, Kids thrown out of school, hunger pangs a reminder of their skeletal frame.

Overwhelmed he exclaims in anguish as he falls down, knees grazing the ground, he has no clue, not knowing what to do

So his eyes  burn from the hot tears running  a marathon down his cheeks, covering his face hoping no one sees…spineless bone they would say.

 

Jane is 18 eager to dream the dreams and live the life

A mistake sends her world crumbling, gasping for breath as the tears gather ready to burst out,

Eyes follow her like a creepy stalker as she walks down the isle of the supermarket…while her heart screams help!!! Help!! Help!

Denial and accusing fingers fly in the air as father of the baby Denys he wants no heirs

She weeps in her closet, staring at her Protruded abdomen that men now scorn a reminder of the pain that has come

…head held high they shouldn’t see her tears…they would call her Jane the spineless

 

I come from a place and time where we hide our tears, we mask our pain to avoid disdain

so guess what! We have learnt to bury our faces in our pillows soaking its softness with our wet cheeks making the pillows damp and hollow

We have learnt to drive in the moonless night letting the tears have its way, alone in the darkness

We have learnt to walk in the darkness of the badly lit streets, even as we sit alone with our thoughts…letting them flow freely…but secretly

So I beg you today, that there might be no more delay , so let these words echo in our hearts, reminding us to help someone always..

 

 

Stay Beautiful Always…….

Advertisements

OCTOBER!!!!

 

OCTOBER

She started October with so much hope, so much anticipation, she was eager to see the month play out and sum up the bits and pieces of its pictures. Well bummer! this was short lived for  she must have done something wrong, probably smiled too much or yes, of course, danced too much to the sweet songs October played.

Well she isn’t dancing anymore neither is she smiling, October didn’t like them, October preferred she stayed mellow her energy was spoiling October’s flow.

She started October with great expectations, she could literally feel her heart bursting with joy at the thought of the coming of her expectations, and she was ready to let October bless her with October’s sweetness, shower her with October’s love and hug her with October’s kindness.

So she loved a little more, accepted people a little more, played a little more…but you see she must have done something wrong, she probably went overboard with this one. October couldn’t handle this new energy; she had to cut it down.

Well she isn’t playing so much now, not letting everyone in anymore and definitely not loving …for you see October needed a lonely fellow

She started October with good friends, with beautiful families, hopeful for greater moments. She would sing endlessly, grin from ear to ear, and blow her trumpet to anyone eager to hear her tale. She was ready to see October through, as October seemed to be delighted. Nah October wasn’t, October’s happiness was false…An illusion.

Well, you sure can’t see her grin anymore, silence the new sound of her trumpet, throat clogged…no more singing..October got overwhelmed by it all.

 

So here we are again of how another month has been unfair to this amazing exceptional soul

Even birth month hasn’t been fair in the love affair either

Months have come with their different turmoil and stirred her like stew

They have filled beautiful eyes with drops of pain, constant pain

Never letting the pain wear off before the next month comes raging in

 

So…..here is her plan…..

 

She will rise up, over and over again

Over and over and over she will rise and over again she will fight

She will Smile at the ache; laugh at the pain, even with head spinning she will be brave

She will learn to breath all over again on her own

She will limp, even as each limp sends mind blowing pain all over her body, soul

She will limp, and limp, and limp until she learns to walk again, rising to be stronger in spite of it all

She will accept support in spite of her mind telling to shut all out

 

And then….

She will pretend to smile

She will pretend to laugh

She will pretend to be happy

She will pretend to be strong and even brave

Until the pretense becomes real.

 

RISE

 

So a friend shared this song “RISE UP by ANDRA DAY”and I couldn’t help but be inspired.

It basically talks about rising in spite of how we feel, in spite of the pain, betrayal, turmoil, or brokenness.

The important thing here is that we can’t do this all on our own, God has placed people in our lives to walk this pain together and then only can we heal the right way and rise up unafraid and brave. So in spite of how many times we fall, in spite of how many times we are betrayed, in spite of all the pain, we are brave people and even braver and stronger when we walk together through it.

In all I have said, please feel free to scream, till all you feel is pain in the pit of your stomach

Please let the tears flow freely

Feel the pain and the hurt

Feel the betrayal, even pour out your heart to God, He expects nothing less

But when all this is said and done, kindly pick yourself up, piece by piece scattered about

And rise up from it all

You will see you are stronger than you thought

Braver and definitely a fighter…(God loves fighters)

But in all this keep in mind that we need each other.

So let me help, let her help, let him help…

RISE 3

She will find her voice and strength again! And you can too…

 

Stay Beautiful Always…

 

MILLS & BOONS

 

Most times I thought I was crazy, I had lost my mind.

Honestly, what else could I have called it?

Stupidity? Which other word could have described my insanity?

I grew up somewhat confused about love.

I thought love was so sweet, it made me feel like a turtle dove wanting to explore more.

I wanted to be in love

I hoped to be in love

I wished to be in love

I dreamt of being in love

Lovvveee…, the tingling feeling that makes you tingle, wiggle, and cozy inside.

Those were the good old days of innocent, sweet love.

So I would lie in bed and live in my head, stuck in my imagination forced to think it was my reality. I would Replay chapters of Mills and Boons in my head, making me feel the romance up to my bones.

Don’t get me wrong! Growing up wasn’t a love filled affair, for there were time where and when my idea of love looked my love reality cynically.

And yes! Love eventually came. It sure was quick, fast and ugly.

It came and stung so so deep making the numbness of a scorpion’s sting feel so warm

Love came in all shapes and sizes, with talent, skills, features all laid out like scriptures.

I tried running for dear life, but my Mills and Boons idea of love held me spell bound, urging me to test the waters. It waltzed in and out as though my heart was a salsa dance hall.

I could literally feel my heart bleeding, gushing out thick painful red blood from the hole love created with it’s piercing sting

heart2

My heartfelt weak, tired, faint. It had aged by years even though I stayed young. It arched for my Mills and Boons stories.

Soon my love idea paved way for my love reality, as I stared love in the eye with scorn and disdain.

I screamed in the face of love, it had hated and scarred me.

My heart screamed in pain, while trying to pull through from love’s blackness

In the struggle for survival, the more I struggled the more I shrunk even more, becoming a shadow of my essence.

Taking a last glance before shutting down and there He was, you should see Him too you know.

Words fail to describe His true essence, His perfection

Words fall short, and do Him injustice

He wasn’t like any other I had met

His physique was everything, almost like He could be whatever I wanted at any moment

It felt seemingly like a trance

For I was bedazzled by His presence

I wanted to slip into His hands, those hands that seemed to be built for my exact size. Nothing ever felt so inviting.

But then again, I was interrupted by the pain in my heart, beckoning me to stay back

There would be no come back from another heart break

But He was so tempting; He looked so safe, so secure, so true

Maybe, just maybe I could let Him in just a little, a tiny little bit…to test the waters while holding back the pieces that needed Him most. I thought I could fool Him

I talked myself into believing I had everything under control

And so it happened, I gradually found myself slipping away giving Him full control

I craved for Him

I desired Him

I Longed for Him

Air wasn’t enough to keep me breathing

Only Him who took my breath away could keep me living

He had found His way, slowly, gradually but surely

He had made a home in my Heart

It was so scary, but a nice intriguing type of scary

The way He loved me wasn’t sleazy or clumsy like the rest

He seemed more concerned in preserving than exploring me

I wondered how this new lover could be everything to me

And it sure felt like He was here to stay, He had built a home in my heart

I was finally leaning in to give love a chance

Not the old kind of love, but this new love I was experiencing that seemed to make my Mills and Boons stories fall short.

Even as He held me in His hands, cuddling me

I felt safe, free, unstoppable

I felt beautiful

I felt healed

I couldn’t figure out how and when He healed me

When had He sewn up the tear in my heart

I should have felt the pain of the surgery

The sting of the stitches, the bleeding

Consuming me with His endless love, I hadn’t realized my pain was long gone

Wow! He even takes care not to hurt me while healing

heart3

I was grateful that…

He loved me in a hopeless place

He loved me when I tried to outsmart Him

He loved me when I cursed, hated and despised

The memory of wrong kind of love comes but His love like a soft fluffy cushion comforts me reassuring of the beauty to come.

In Him my heart was made whole again.

My heart ache, pain, bitterness, all led me to this journey of finding out what love truly meant.

It hurt crazily but I survived through Him.

So now I realize love is not my Mills and Boons version of love (selfish and myopic)

But the sweet sweet God kind of love

The love that isn’t boastful

The love that isn’t envious

The love that isn’t proud

The love that is patient

The love that is kind

The love that is sacrificial

The love that is truthful.

HEART5

…………………………………………………. Find God. Then only can you find true Love

Remember to stay Beautiful Always…..

Single, Saved and Not Having Sex (True Love Waits)

Single, SAVED

Today, I’ll be talking about something that has been on my heart for a while now. It has been and still is a very sensitive and controversial topic; in the church, on social media and in society at large – premarital sex. It is so controversial that even Christians sometimes don’t like to talk about it. We would rather “mind our business” because we don’t want to offend anyone or for fear of being tagged as “judgemental”. We would rather accommodate every opinion and belief, refusing to hold ourselves and those around us to any standards, all in the name of love and acceptance. But is that really love? I have asked myself this question a couple of times. (Post for another day). And I have been guilty of this. Holding out what my heart feels strongly to speak about because I was skeptical about opinions. But 2 Timothy 1:7…

View original post 1,822 more words

STRENGTH NOT TO FAINT….

A year filled with promise and hope
hope we hold unto ..deeply
Goals for the year lined up evenly
Careful to follow them through…

All jittered up, grinning from ear to ear
Set to run the race of this New Year
Writing them all out
Reciting them out load
You are sure to stick to them

Belts are fastened tight
Diets are laid out strict
Shoe lace are knotted
No distractions, no tripping over

Less than half way down the track
You stop in your tracks
Deeply gasping for breathe
Hunger pangs set in
Shoes too tight, belts piercing the holes hunger pangs made

Feeling faint, holding your head to stop the spinning
Realizing the only thing on your list missing….
was the One who gives strength like no other
Preparedness is being unprepared without Him
We can’t faint; we can’t burn out with Him leading……

Letting Jesus guide your 2017 goals is key. Do not set goals because it’s the norm at the beginning of every year, you might as well not bother.
It’s a wonder how we start every year energized, determined, focused, bent on making things work but barely half way into the year we start struggling and very many of us burn out totally. I believe most times we feel these goals can be achieved with our strength especially the not so spiritual goals, we forget that God is interested in every aspect of our lives and only with him do we find ease and do things get better.

If you have genuinely set goals for 2017, because you want to grow and develop yourself, then let Jesus help. All you need is a simple prayer “Lord Let my goals align with your goals for my life this year and give me strength to achieve every one of these goals so as not to faint”
This is my confession throughout 2017, feel free to make it yours…
STAY BEAUTIFUL ALWAYS….

BEAUTIFUL AND WHOLE

Standing far of at the mountain top
Taking a deep breath, taking it all in
Wide eyed and mystified at the beauty
A beauty from one so beautiful

Working hard to partake in this beauty
The beauty that takes breaths away
The glimpse we have blows minds away
An assurance of beauty to be hold.. uncomprehending

The view we see though will pass away, shows the work of an expert
The work within us,that which we perceive, an evidence of a master piece
The master of beauty, the master of perfection, making all whole
You do not hide your talents from us

your beauty is always present, always whole
In worship, in prayer, in meditation, in all your beauty transcends
In the Birth of a child, in the miracles, leaving us hungry for more of
That beauty that makes us in awe of you

Imaginations run wild as to what it will be like to meet the master of beauty
we cant help but quiver at the thought of such awesomeness
we just know it. It is certain…
You just cant help but be beautiful

BROKEN/WORDS!

Jennifer didn’t grow up with people believing in her or having high expectations about her capability, you could even say she was somewhat invisible.
The only time she felt noticed was when she didn’t do well in school. Remembering those days as a child; it was like the day of reckoning whenever her mum assembled her and her siblings before their dad with their report card in their hands. It was a day Jennifer dreaded with all of her being. She could still hear her dad’s shouts echoing in her ear, telling her of how she was a dunce and in summary amount to nothing.
She could still recall how his shouts would make her shrink a little more, with tears running down her cheeks. She wasn’t as strong emotionally as her siblings and they usually did better than she did academically.

So at an early age there were no expectations especially from her dad and as time went by, she believed it subconsciously sank in and she saw herself withdraw from everything.
Her mum didn’t have the time to give extra attention to the child that might need a little more boost or love. Her dad was already too much for her mum to handle as it was.
So Jennifer grew up not believing that she could be the best at anything, she got scared of trying new things, making friends, facing people. She would practically hide when relations or strangers came around. Her brain could not wrap itself around the fact that she had anything to say to these people or that she was good enough to be around them.
Timid does not begin to explain how she was.

The problem about Nigerian’s, is that instead of seeing a child, I mean actually seeing the child and recognizing the challenges that child faces, they come up with nicknames and make fun of that child, telling the child how weird and strange and different he/she is. Making such a child feel worse and withdraw even more.

Recalling the nicknames she was given, broke her heart a bit especially when they came from loved ones, persons she was supposed to trust, look up to, and expect to protect her. It baffled her how in her own home she felt so much like a stranger.
There was no safe haven, not at home, not in school, not in church, no body bothered to reach out and help her… her mind screamed for help, she wanted to be bold like her friends and siblings but she didn’t know how.
She remembered finding a bit a of a safe haven, it was funny though because a safe haven is supposed to be a secret place but hers was public. It was their dining table; she would hide under when visitors came and pretend that she couldn’t see them.

soon she resumed high school. She was so frightened, so many strange faces, how was she going to start up a conversation, how was she going to make friends she thought to herself.
The years she spent at that high school was a struggle, yes she eventually made a few friends, but she couldn’t shake the constant feeling that she needed them more than they needed her, but all grown up now it was more of the fact that they just couldn’t understand her or even know how to relate with her

Moving on to a new school, to her mum it was for financial reasons, but God knows till today Jennifer remains forever grateful that she changed school, finishing in New day high school would have destroyed and crushed whatever self esteem she had left and then she wouldn’t have met, that one true friend who God used to help her break out.
She could recall the first time they met, it was in early 1996, she was so scared resuming at the middle of the session and all. She remembered how jane used to come to her class upstairs for a course they did together. They eventually started talking and that was how a wonderful friendship started.

Jane wasn’t the boldest or sharpest friend Jennifer had, but what stood her apart from others was how patient Jane was with her, how Jane would never leave her to be alone even if she would have had a better time with others, how Jane wouldn’t let her feel comfortable in her shell, how Jane would push and push even when some of the things she said in the bid to push her out of her shell were hurtful, Jennifer began to see progress.

Jennifer saw herself talking more, talking to the opposite sex, teachers and even doing better academically, to the extent that classmates looked up to her for explanations.
She remembered how one day both of them were gisting and Jane was talking about the fact that Jennifer had become so bold, that she Jane was now the shy one
And as time went by, Jennifer was no longer scared of people, she could talk in front of a crowd, she was no longer timid.

This was all because one person chose to believe in her, choose to encourage her, choose to walk with her through her fears, chose to encourage her with words. Sometimes as she reflects back, Jennifer can’t help but wonder what would have happened to her if she hadn’t changed school. Truth be told at the point where she was before she changed school she was so unhappy, likely depressed that she might have even contemplated suicide.

Thank God for Jennifer. The saddest thing is that not every child is as lucky as Jennifer. Many have been taken advantage of or worse lost their lives because of how BROKEN and timid WORDS made them

I believe Society still does not understand how fragile children are, if words can affect us adults who are somewhat emotionally and mentally matured then imagine the damage our words can do to that little boy or girl, who is constantly told he/she would amount to nothing or is useless or dumb. It’s just like how from infancy you start calling your child by his or her name and as he/she grows up and constantly hears that name the brain gets accustomed to it and the child begins to believe that’s who and what he is. Same applies with our hurtful and crushing words.
The earlier we realize how powerful our words are, the better and the more productive our children, spouse, siblings, friends etc will all become.
Nobody reaches his or her full potential in a negative environment.
My thoughts today: what are your thoughts?
• What are your confessions?
• What do you say to others
• When you are so upset or irritated by that person, what words come out of your mouth?
Even the bible talks about the fact that the power of life and death are in the tongue.
Do you really want that person to lose his or her faith, or even lose his/her life before you understand how powerful words are?

Something I got to realize months back is the fact that the things we hear or watch have a way of sticking subconsciously. You might not know that the brain is registering what is being heard until years or months later when you blunt out something, or begin to act in a particular way contrary to your usual self and you begin to wonder how it all came about. It’s not farfetched; it’s the things we feed our selves or let others feed us we eventually manifest.

I would say stop! Stop!! Stop! Don’t be so hateful or negative.
Be patient with yourself and with others
Build yourself and others with the words of your mouth.
Learn to control your anger.
Stay away from negative people, they sure can be contagious
Recognize that child who needs an extra boost, love and care and help him/her out
Parents: we should learn to understand our children, and know what works for each of them.
Lastly we are all fearfully made, we are all amazing, we are all unique recognize this and appreciate God rather than pull people than
……Stay Beautiful Always…

THE PSYCHOLOGY!!!

So, there is this theory that a child tends to tilt to the parent who gives him/her the most attention, love and care…. Is this true?..

My own theory is that a Father is a very important parent to a child and how the father trains his child has a way of having a  lasting effect on this child, sometimes spiritually….

How do i mean? A child is told that God is his father and loves him/her very much but this child finds it difficult to believe because the example of father he/she sees and interacts with everyday is the exact opposite of what he/she hears about God and just sees a father as the model at home…..

Believe me or not my relationship with God got easier and better because of how my dad brought me up… (My sis and I were the apple of his eyes and we knew it) and this helped me believe the scripture ‘we are the apple of God’s eyes’ instantly… My Dad had my time, he played silly childish games with me, I was allowed to argue with him without the fear of ‘African Culture’, I was allowed to coax and bribe him, I was allowed to express myself without the fear of being shut down, i was allowed to show my failures and weakness because i know he would protect me and give me a reason to believe that i can do it, I was given money without waiting for me to beg or lie for it, if he saw anything on anyone that was good, he got it for his child, I was allowed to tell him about my friends because he thanked them for being my friends, I knew that him flogging me was because i was really wrong… i could go on n on…. In all these things, instead of feeling pampered, i respected him, i admired him, i hate to hurt him or do something to make him feel bad, i hoped to marry someone with his heart, i fell in love with him not only cos he was my dad but because he earned it….

Anytime i came to God, i had the picture of my Dad in my head… I imagine Him responding the way my Dad did and by God, twas easy for him to believe everything that God is/was, it helped me to understand what having a loving heavenly father meant, you need to hear my prayers sometimes, you will think i can see Him… I do things for God and obey His commands not necessarily to prove my piety but cos I’m  in love with him just like my Dad… I’m matured now and i understand way better the person of God….

The bane of this writeup is to show you to have the spirituality of your child in mind when training him/her as your examples will go a longer way than the Sunday school lessons will….

Jesus loved you even before you loved him and guess what, He still does….

#The Psychology
#Love
#First showed before being learned….

By..Peace Odili

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑