Most times I thought I was crazy, I had lost my mind.
Honestly, what else could I have called it?
Stupidity? Which other word could have described my insanity?
I grew up somewhat confused about love.
I thought love was so sweet, it made me feel like a turtle dove wanting to explore more.
I wanted to be in love
I hoped to be in love
I wished to be in love
I dreamt of being in love
Lovvveee…, the tingling feeling that makes you tingle, wiggle, and cozy inside.
Those were the good old days of innocent, sweet love.
So I would lie in bed and live in my head, stuck in my imagination forced to think it was my reality. I would Replay chapters of Mills and Boons in my head, making me feel the romance up to my bones.
Don’t get me wrong! Growing up wasn’t a love filled affair, for there were time where and when my idea of love looked my love reality cynically.
And yes! Love eventually came. It sure was quick, fast and ugly.
It came and stung so so deep making the numbness of a scorpion’s sting feel so warm
Love came in all shapes and sizes, with talent, skills, features all laid out like scriptures.
I tried running for dear life, but my Mills and Boons idea of love held me spell bound, urging me to test the waters. It waltzed in and out as though my heart was a salsa dance hall.
I could literally feel my heart bleeding, gushing out thick painful red blood from the hole love created with it’s piercing sting
My heartfelt weak, tired, faint. It had aged by years even though I stayed young. It arched for my Mills and Boons stories.
Soon my love idea paved way for my love reality, as I stared love in the eye with scorn and disdain.
I screamed in the face of love, it had hated and scarred me.
My heart screamed in pain, while trying to pull through from love’s blackness
In the struggle for survival, the more I struggled the more I shrunk even more, becoming a shadow of my essence.
Taking a last glance before shutting down and there He was, you should see Him too you know.
Words fail to describe His true essence, His perfection
Words fall short, and do Him injustice
He wasn’t like any other I had met
His physique was everything, almost like He could be whatever I wanted at any moment
It felt seemingly like a trance
For I was bedazzled by His presence
I wanted to slip into His hands, those hands that seemed to be built for my exact size. Nothing ever felt so inviting.
But then again, I was interrupted by the pain in my heart, beckoning me to stay back
There would be no come back from another heart break
But He was so tempting; He looked so safe, so secure, so true
Maybe, just maybe I could let Him in just a little, a tiny little bit…to test the waters while holding back the pieces that needed Him most. I thought I could fool Him
I talked myself into believing I had everything under control
And so it happened, I gradually found myself slipping away giving Him full control
I craved for Him
I desired Him
I Longed for Him
Air wasn’t enough to keep me breathing
Only Him who took my breath away could keep me living
He had found His way, slowly, gradually but surely
He had made a home in my Heart
It was so scary, but a nice intriguing type of scary
The way He loved me wasn’t sleazy or clumsy like the rest
He seemed more concerned in preserving than exploring me
I wondered how this new lover could be everything to me
And it sure felt like He was here to stay, He had built a home in my heart
I was finally leaning in to give love a chance
Not the old kind of love, but this new love I was experiencing that seemed to make my Mills and Boons stories fall short.
Even as He held me in His hands, cuddling me
I felt safe, free, unstoppable
I felt beautiful
I felt healed
I couldn’t figure out how and when He healed me
When had He sewn up the tear in my heart
I should have felt the pain of the surgery
The sting of the stitches, the bleeding
Consuming me with His endless love, I hadn’t realized my pain was long gone
Wow! He even takes care not to hurt me while healing
I was grateful that…
He loved me in a hopeless place
He loved me when I tried to outsmart Him
He loved me when I cursed, hated and despised
The memory of wrong kind of love comes but His love like a soft fluffy cushion comforts me reassuring of the beauty to come.
In Him my heart was made whole again.
My heart ache, pain, bitterness, all led me to this journey of finding out what love truly meant.
It hurt crazily but I survived through Him.
So now I realize love is not my Mills and Boons version of love (selfish and myopic)
But the sweet sweet God kind of love
The love that isn’t boastful
The love that isn’t envious
The love that isn’t proud
The love that is patient
The love that is kind
The love that is sacrificial
The love that is truthful.
…………………………………………………. Find God. Then only can you find true Love
Remember to stay Beautiful Always…..